You've heard of a Velvet Elvis, and maybe even a Velvet Neil Diamond...

But have you heard of a Velvet Joseph Smith? The story I am about to tell is one of the best parts of our honeymoon... in my opinion.

We took a cruise down to San Diego, Catalina Island, and Ensenada, Mexico. San Diego and Catalina were pretty uneventful. We ate some tortillas in Old Town, walked along the harbor in Catalina, and pretty much did normal things. Ensenada was the last stop on the cruise, and one I was especially looking forward to because I wanted to buy some cheap Mexican crap. Once we got into port, there were a few options. We could just stay in the downtown area and explore for ourselves, we could take a guided tour through Ensenada and watch a Folklorico show, or we could take a bus outside of the city to see La Bufadora. We'd heard from friends who'd been there that it wasn't worth it, but when the guy on the bus said "the shopping is better and cheaper" bells went off in my head and I started dreaming about the cheap Mexican crap I was going to buy. I was sold.

We got on the bus and our tour guide, Lili, started off by speaking to us in the espanol. I was all excited because I could understand her, but the other peeps on the bus couldn't so she switched to English. We drove through the city and out to the country to where the blow hole (la bufadora) was. Ensenada isn't very pretty. For the most part, it looked like a mix of the Mojave Desert, East LA, and the beach. There was also this smoggy/foggy mess in the air and it was so humid that I felt like I had wet my pants the entire time we were there. There just seemed to be a lot of dirt floating around in the air. We got to the La Bufadora after about a 30 minute drive through the city past a Home Depot, a Walmart, a Costco, a Mc Donalds, and an Applebee's. No kidding. Above the entrances to Walmart was written "Siempre." I'm glad that "always" translated so well. One thing I'm wondering - do they call it "el Walmart," "la Walmart," or just "Walmart?" I should have asked.

Once we got to La bufadora, our tourguide walked us down through the open market and gave us some pointers for bargaining and ways to make sure we don't get sold fake silver. She also gave us some stickers that would allow us to pee for free in one of the restaurants. I'm so glad that I live in America, where at least I pee for free. Anyway, we ended up down by the actual blow hole, which Lili called a geyser, which is neither a blow hole nor a geyser, and we were told to meet back at the bus in about an hour. There was some guy dressed up in some native attire, beating a drum and dancing and he almost attacked Rob when he tried to take his picture without paying. Obviously, this guy has never heard of zoom lenses and didn't think that people would just walk 15 feet away and get his picture. I'm not sure if Rob got one or not.

Down at La Bufadora, we waited for this amazing natural phenomenon to knock our socks off. It was lame. There's a crevice on the cliffs, and when the waves rush in to the small space, it pushes water up at a very high rate of pressure and sprays all over the place. Our tour guide said that when it happens you will get very wet if you don't run away. Hardly. And it smelled like pee. I'm assuming that because you have to pay to use the bathroom everywhere else that tourists and locals alike use the la bufadora as the el bano. After getting some pictures, we walked back up the street to the open air market. We both had to usar el bano at this point, so we went into the restaurant where we had complimentary peeing priveleges. At least it was clean.

We did the whole bargaining thing, which is just crazy, and got some cool stuff. I didn't get the awesome turquoise necklace that i wanted, but that's a whole 'nother story and I don't have the energy to tell it. It makes me frown. Rob really wanted to get a hammock, so we checked several different places. The last one we went into was where Rob decided to get it. The thing with the shop owners there is that they just don't know how to let you alone. They follow you around there store and try to sell you everthing. This one guy was particularly aggressive. I was staying out of range because I just wasn't in the mood to deal with this guy, but I was close enough that I could hear everything he said to Rob. He was grabbing a hammock down from the ceiling, when he lost his balance and kicked over a ceramic donkey statue that was on the ground. "Ay dios mio, my donkey!" The donkey's hind legs broke off. He was really upset about it. And then, when Rob was closing the deal with him, this conversation took place:

Mexican guy: Are you a Mormon?
Rob: Yeah
Mexican guy: You know how I can tell? I see it in your eyes.
Rob: Um, OK.
Mexican guy: You see those pictures up there? (points to a row of velvet paintings on the wall) I have one of Joseph Smith in the back. You want one?
Rob: No thanks.

I'm standing about 1o feet away and dying inside because I want to see this velvet Joseph Smith so badly. But I didn't want to get something else started, so we just left.

Oh, how I wish we had seen the velvet Joseph Smith. I may have bought it... especially if he had one of Brigham Young, too. Maybe I can find one on eBay.

On the way back to the bus, a guy gave me a free sample of a churro and it was delicioso. I wanted to get one, but I didn't feel like $3.00 was a reasonable price for a churro... especially since the most expensive place on the planet, Disneyland, sells them for $3.50. I'm willing to wait a few months and spend $.50 more for peace of mind and solid bowels.

We also got assailed by people trying to sell us prescription drugs. There was a "farmacia" about every 25 feet throughout the open market, and they run out to you in the street and hand you a flyer listing all of the drugs they offer. Viagra was always in the biggest print and listed at the top. Rob no necesita viagra, so we kept on walking. I did stop into one of the pharmacies in downtown Ensenada because I saw that they had large quantities of heartburn medicine for super cheap. Rob wouldn't let me buy it because he thought it might be made from laundry detergent. Que lastima!

So, in the end, we walked away with some cheap mexican crap, dirt on our faces, and I'm pretty sure a virus of some sort. Best vacation ever!