The last several days have been hard ones. My birthday was on Friday, and sometimes if I think about it too hard I feel a little depressed that I'm as old as I am and haven't accomplished the things I would like to have accomplished, or I think someone my age should have accomplished. But then I got over it because I had a birthday party and some good friends and family came to celebrate with me.
And then I looked at the calendar and noted that if I had not lost my pregnancy, I'd be coming home from the hospital with a brand new baby in my arms right now. I was doing OK until I went to church yesterday and saw all of the pregnant ladies and little babies there. It was extremely hard, and it hit me unexpectedly. I really thought I had gained closure and peace about the loss, but all of the feelings I had felt when it first happened came flooding back. A lot of tears were shed and the despair I've been feeling at not being able to get pregnant the last several months that we've been able to start trying again all came to a head. I am thankful for a loving, kind husband who offers a shoulder to cry on, loving words and encouragement. I'm also thankful for Robert's mom and her willingness to listen, her wisdom and for her hopeful outlook on life. I am most grateful for the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ because through that I am able to be healed. I do receive comfort when I need it.
Our washer broke last week and the laundry has been piling up... two weeks worth because it broke last week while I was trying to do laundry. We decided that we would wait a little bit to buy a new one so that we could do some research (thanks for the CR reviews, Julie!) and also so that we could shop some sales. In the meantime, we figured we would just go to Robert's parent's house or to the laundromat. Since we had so much laundry to do, I went to Robert's parent's and did 6 loads today. Needless to say, it took quite a while. I also had a doctor's appointment to get my hurting ears checked during the middle of all of it. Since Robert was at class and I was still doing laundry, Robert's mom invited me to stay for dinner and Family Home Evening. During dinner, his mom put on the CD of a talk given by S. Michael Wilcox called "The Fourth Watch." I am familiar with what the fourth watch is (in Hebrew time-keeping, it is from 3a.m. to 6 a.m.) but had never thought much about what it meant to me or how it could apply to my life. Just so you know what I'm talking about, here it is from the Bible.
The talk is basically about how oftentimes when we have trials, we assume that God doesn't hear our prayers, that He does not care or that we aren't worthy to receive His help. Most likely, we haven't received help yet because it isn't the fourth watch. We want and expect help to come in the third watch (from 6 p.m. to 9 p.m.). So, as we're toiling along like the disciples on the water, it is important to remember that our ships are "tight like unto a dish" (Ether 2:17) and that God has given us enough to be sustained until He comes during the fourth watch. There is too much from the talk to explain here, but I guess the important part is that listening to it gave me hope and comfort when I needed it most. I don't know if Robert's mom planned it that way or if it's just how it worked out, but that's what I needed.
I also was able to get some reassurance from my doctor about our situation. He shared with me the experiences that he and his wife had (their situation is very similar to ours) and then started talking about something he'd heard on NPR about moose and mice (not moose and mice mating together) and their mating habits and how that relates to human reproduction. He lost me at "moose." Anyway, talking to him gave me some new insight and renewed hope that Robert and I are probably not doomed to infertility forever.
I guess we're just not in the fourth watch yet. It is good to know and see the tender mercies that God gives us along the way until the right time comes.
One of those tender mercies, along with the ones I've already mentioned, is that someone that Robert works with gave us a washer today. It is less than a year old and he just gave it to us. It's not a top of the line model, but at least we have more time to look for something we really want and get it for a good deal. I'm hoping for a front-loader.
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7 comments:
Jen, my heart breaks for you. My mom told me that your due date was Sunday. I can only imagine the feelings you might be feeling at this moment. Seeing pregnant woman and new babies at church is hard, I don't know that it gets easier unless you are the one pregnant. I keep praying for you. I know infertility is hard and makes no sense.
You are welcome for being positive, truthfully it is easy to be because every ache or feeling of discomfort reminds me of the incredible blessing I have been given. I love you so much. I hope that one of these days soon you will be calling me to tell me great news. You are doing a great job and I think you are handling things well.
I hope all your dreams come true, Jen
Oh Jen, it does seem like life hits us with many things all at once. Hang in there. I understand how you feel about the baby thing. I felt that way in October. It is really tough to think about what might have been. I know you and Robert will be great parents some day and that the Lord has a plan for you.
Oh, Jen - I'm sorry! I do understand not being in the part of plan I thought I would be on at this point in life - but it's just got to come along sometime? Right? Chin up. Let's play soon!
There's many things I don't understand, like infertility. I've had many moments suddenly bursting into tears at church seeing babies and pregnant women, so I know how that feels. But, I do know that our Savior knows us and how we feel, and he won't leave you alone. I'm thinking of you, and wish you the best this coming year!
Jen, I just love you! I wish I had the faith you have! You are such an example to me. I am certain that one day when your boy (no naming names but his initials will be LOL) and my girl meet to be sealed in the temple that we will be so excited to finally be family for real!
My thoughts are with you. Thanks for sharing about the fourth watch- I seem to always need to be reminded to have just a little bit more patience. I am grateful for the blessings in my life which arrive at JUST the right time. I am certainly grateful for you in my life.
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