One Year Ago...

At this time one year ago, I layed in a hospital bed getting an epidural. I was induced at 6am on October 18, and by 1:45 the contractions were getting bad enough that I decided I'd had enough of that pain business and wanted some relief. And am I glad that I got that epidural because Maggie wasn't born until 3:57am the next morning. I would've given up, for sure.

The memories are so vivid in my mind, just like it was yesterday. I remember when she was placed in my arms for the first time and I was told that her blood sugar was low and I needed to nurse her. I had so much fear. I'd never nursed a baby before. Would I do it right? I had been so excited up to that point and then, for the very first time in my life, I'd felt so utterly inadequate in every respect. I wanted a baby so badly, but now that I had her I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. I remember all of these feelings just like they were yesterday.

And then I woke up this morning and I went in to Maggie's room to get her. She was standing in her crib and held her arms up to me to lift her out. And then she called me "da-da." We're working on "mama," but it usually just comes with blank stares. One day short of her first birthday, I can't believe where the last year has gone. She was just a little squirmy, pink, swollen, helpless thing in my arms and now she's walking and talking. One year ago, I thought I'd never get another wink of sleep and that I was a huge failure because nursing wasn't going well. Looking back, and thinking of advice people had given me, I realize that childhood has its stages. And the one thing about stages is that they pass. Sometimes too quickly. I miss those nights getting up with her to nurse. She doesn't let me hold her close like that anymore. And she doesn't have that baby smell. She hasn't for a while.

That first time I held her 364 days ago, I was worried about what I could do for her. I never thought about what she would do for me. She has taught me to chill out more. I'm still a little uptight, but she's taught me that it's not important to sweat the small stuff. Conversely though, she's taught me that life really is made up of small moments and we should take time to enjoy the wonders around us. She has always loved to be outside and feel the breeze on her face and in her hair. She loves sunshine and she laughs when raindrops hit her face and head. I'm usually in too much of a hurry to notice. She's taught me to be patient and to never give up. She is one determined little girl and will do things over and over again until she gets the result she desires. But most of all, she's given me a small glimpse of what our Heavenly Father feels as a parent to His children. I love her so much and want to see her do well. It hurts me when she gets hurt. I feel joy when I see her succeed, and am happy when she is content. I worry about her welfare constantly. I would do anything for her. But at the same time, I cannot protect her from everything. She will make mistakes and sometimes bad things just happen. And that's when I need to remember that after I've done all that I can to protect her, I have to trust that Heavenly Father, who is both her Father and mine, will watch over her. And trust in Him even when His plan may be very different from mine.

I love being a mother and have never been more fulfilled doing anything else. The work is hard, and there are no vacations. But when I get to sleep at night, I go to sleep knowing that I've made a difference in the world that day. I can't say that about any other job I've ever had.