Ring of Fire

This could be a really long story, but I'm going to make it short. My mom inherited a ring from my dad's grandmother and that thing was a piece of junk. Grandma Forsythe had 4 husbands (don't ask) and this ring was given to her by husband #3, but husband #4 was a drunk and he needed some money for booze so he had the ring cut off of her finger, the diamond pried out, and then he pawned it. He sounds like a real winner. Thankfully, I'm not related to husband #4. So anyway... my mom gets this great idea that she wants to have the ring restored because it has all of this history and it really has the potential to be a beautiful ring. Stay with me here. So flash forward to last week. As I was visiting my mom and dad in LA, my mom hands me the nasty ring + her own wedding ring and tells me to take it to the jeweler that "did such a nice job" fixing up a ring I had inherited from my grandma. Alright, I can do that - provided my mom pays for it.

So I get back to Provo and go up to the mall after work to get this taken care of. I was kind of dreading it because, although this woman does great work, she sure does talk a lot. I was in a hurry. I tried to make it quick, but Tha Him (uh huh, that's her name - she's Asian) had different plans. First, she wants to make me her apprentice jeweler because I have a good eye. She said that I could make a lot of money doing it. I declined and told her that I already have a job, but if it didn't work out I'd come see her. Second, she asks me when I'm getting married because she wants to design my ring for me. I told her I was working on it and she'll be the one I come see when my "special day" comes. Here's where the story gets good...

"What you doing?" she says.

"Um, the normal stuff I guess."

"No, I mean how you dating."

"Well, the usual way."

She leans forward, looks around, and says "to be perfect honest with you..." and here is where I get scared, thinking she's going to tell me that I'm terribly ugly and rude and that is why I am not yet married.

So she continues, "I met my husband on ldssingles.com. Are you on there?"

"No. I had a bad experience with online dating."

"Oh, here what you do. You have to email for long time and then talk on the phone. And then when you ready to meet, meet in public place and have someone go with you and hide in corner. That way they can rescue you. And then, if you find out they lie, you order biggest, most expensive meal on menu and don't eat any of it. Tell them that you sick and leave with your friend in the corner, and then go home and write all sorts of bad stuff about them on the Internet, like you lie about how you look. You should use a picture of what you really like."

"Uh, well, sounds complicated. I think I'll just keep doin' what I'm doin'."

"No. I will help you. When you come in next time, we set up profile. I get you married to doctor or lawyer or someone really rich. My husband a doctor - he a chiropractor."

"Oh, so that's why you have a table in your jewelry shop."

"Yeah, you want adjustment? He come here and do it for you."

"I'll pass."

"For real, you come in next time and I do profile. I know exactly how to do it. All my friend ask me to do for them."

"OK, I'll think about it. See you next week."

So guess where I'm going after work? Yep, the jewelery shop. Am I going to have her set up a profile for me on ldssingles.com? Nope. But it sure will be fun to hear what she has to say.

*** UPDATE ***

Tha (pronounced "Tah") called to let me know the ring won't be ready until next week because she has to order a special laser to do the hand engraving. She called me "Hon."