Mass Hysteria

Who's afraid of the swine flu? To be quite honest, I've been thinking about it non-stop for two days. I'm wondering if I should stop eating carnitas at my favorite Mexican retaurant/Tesoro gas station because maybe someone in there came straight from Mexico because, LBH, the food at the Mexican restaurant next to my house is the best you can get outside of Mexico and inside Mexico. And what if this person who came straight from Mexico brought the swine flu with them and then coughed on my carne asada? This kind of stuff keeps me up at night. And I also figure that since Utah has all of these Mormon missionaries traveling all over kingdom come and then coming back with ponchos and soccer jerseys and now possibly the swine flu, Utah is the perfect breeding ground for a pandemic because just as missionaries are coming home, we're sending more out. Yikes! I saw this old school PSA on Word to Your Mother and it makes me not want to come into contact with any elderly people with heart conditions for fear of passing to them the swine flu I acquired from Taco Riendo.



I didn't even know the swine flu existed back in the day. All I have to say is "scary."

As if I don't have enough to worry about with swine flu descending upon Provo, now I have to worry about 80 gazillion middle-aged women descending upon Provo for BYU's Women's Conference! I was at the store today, and as the lady in front of me in line was leaving, the cashier says to her "have fun at Women's Conference!" Gasp! Just hearing those words makes my heart beat irregularly. You see, I don't like Women's Conference. Here's why: When I was going to school at the good ol' BY, I decided that I should get a summer job on campus. I was somehow able to score a job at Jamba Juice in the Wilkinson Center. My first day on the job was the first day of Women's Conference. Those women drove me within an inch of losing my sanity with their stupid questions and requests. Here are some of my favorite:

"Oh, that is far to big for me. You see, I don't eat very much, so could you only make me a third of that and then only charge me for a quarter of it?"

"I would like the Strawberry Fields, but can you substitute raspberries for the strawberries and then strain the seeds out of it?"

"Can I get an Orange Julius?"

"What does 'Jamba' mean?"

"We would like to order 2 smoothies, but can you split that up into seven cups and then divide the cost in seven ways and charge seven cards?"

"I'd like the Peanut Butter Moo'd but without the peanut butter since I'm allergic to peanuts. Can you use almond butter instead?"

"I'd like to order 25 smoothies in 75 different cups, and make it snappy because my girlfriends are saving me a seat at the next Brad Wilcox class that starts in 6 minutes in the Smith Fieldhouse."



And since I must be a glutton for punishment, I got a custodial job at Helaman Halls the next summer and who do you think showed up in the dorms for a week? That's right, the women. I had this one lady rip me a new one because her bed wasn't made when she came back from class that night. I tried to explain to her that she was staying in the dorms and we didn't provide maid service, but she got even more irate and told me I wasn't getting a tip. No skin off my teeth, lady!

But hey, even in the midst of swine flu and Women's Conference I do have things to look forward to. I ordered myself a Liz Lemon-esque necklace with my initials on it and I also ordered Wonder Hangers for my freshly painted closet. If I'm lucky, they'll both be here in a few days. I had this brilliant idea about the Wonder Hangers (6 hangers to 1 expandable Wonder Hanger)that would allow me to keep most of my clothes and still have some space for my husband to use the closet. You see, he's been banished to a free-standing clothes rack in the spare bedroom since I moved in. The poor man didn't even get the closet! Wonder Hangers will change all of that. Life is good.