Why Do Asian-Americans Always Have Funny Names?

Do you ever remember really random things from your childhood? I do... all of the time. And then I forget about it. Today at the work potluck I remembered something about this kid I went to school with. His name is Duke Chanaban - he is Chinese - and his real name, as I found out from the Jr. High School yearbook, is Schatchai Chanaban. I'm not really sure why we called him Duke, but I guess it's better than Airport (thanks Kachee).

Anyway, Duke sat next to me in the first grade. He was a little stealer, that Duke! Except that I didn't know it was him stealing my juice boxes, Ding Dongs, sandwiches, etc. until I caught him. Fighting ensued. And what I mean by "fighting," is that I think I kicked him and told him that I hated him for stealing my Ding Dong. He kicked me back and so we were sent to Mr. Pryor's office. Mr. Pryor was rumored to be the meanest principal this side of the Mississippi. I'd heard stories of him spanking kids when they got sent to his office, and I was about to find out if it was true.

Duke and I waited outside of Mr. Pryor's office, probably still kicking each other, while the school secretary called our parents. Except that I didn't know that's what she was doing. Mr. Pryor then called us into his office. I sat there, looking up at all of his certificates and pictures on the wall, and stopped when I saw a paddle mounted above his desk with the words "The Board of Education" written on it. I was so sure he was going to spank us, and I hoped Duke would get it first. Even though corporal punishment hadn't been practiced in schools for years, we didn't know that yet because we were only 6.

Mr. Pryor walked to the other side of his desk and sat down and asked us why we had been sent to his office. I told him that I caught Duke stealing my Ding Dong and that he'd been stealing stuff from my lunch for a long time, so I kicked him. He asked Duke if that was true, and Duke said, "Yes, I took the Ding Dong... and I also took Shontel's Twinkie." Busted! Duke was gonna get it and I would be vindicated! Except that "The Board of Education" remained right where it was and never came into contact with Duke's butt. Instead, we both got a lecture on the Golden Rule and that if Duke doesn't want people to steal his stuff, then he shouldn't steal and that I shouldn't kick people if I don't want to get kicked back.

Duke and I walked back to class and as we sat there in our reading group, I plotted ways I could get back at him. The Golden Rule? In one ear and out the other, right? My time came a few weeks later when I came down with a sudden case of the stomach flu. We were standing in line to go out for lunch, when the urge to vomit hit me real bad. Duke was standing behind me in line, so I turned around and let the chunks blow all over him. He started crying, I started crying, and then all of the kids in line started crying and barfing all over each other. Wait, that's a movie. I think just Duke was crying.

Several months passed without any confrontations with Duke, when one day he got up from his chair, pushed it under the desk, stood next to me and peed his pants. When it hit the floor it splashed up onto my leg. It's a good thing I was wearing knee socks, but the pee still touched me so I started crying. Mrs. Bova, our teacher, came over and when she saw the puddle on the ground she sent one of the other students to the janitor's office, Duke to the nurse's office, and took me to the sink in the classroom to take my socks off and wash my leg. And when Duke came back, she told him he was going to trade desks with someone else.

I never exacted revenge on Duke for the peeing incident because the school year was over and we were in different 2nd grade classes. But every time I saw him on the playground I remembered his injustices. By the time 3rd grade rolled around, we'd both forgotten the whole thing. Duke and I went to the same Jr. High and High school, but I haven't thought about him since then. I wonder if he's still up to his Ding Dong stealing, pants peeing ways.