Toby the Shetland Pony

There have only been a few times in my life where I needed to be knocked out for a medical procedure. Once when I got my wisdom teeth removed, once for a "lady problem", and then once again for an endoscopy.

When I had my wisdom teeth removed, I remember coming to and I swear the nurse was pinching me and so I started crying and I told her that she was mean and I wanted my mom. My mom came in and asked why I was crying and the nurse said it was the valium.

When I had my "lady problem", I came to and there was a guy in the room next to me who was moaning like he'd just been kicked in the gut and lost his puppy, so I told the nurse that she better tell that dude to shut up. She said "everyone deals with pain differently." Next, the doctor came in and told me I would be a little hoarse from the breathing tube stuck down my throat, so I said "you mean like Toby the Shetland Pony?" He just stared at me as I laughed and laughed and laughed at my own joke and then said I felt like there was a knife in my lady area. I just don't think he knew what to do with me, so he told the nurse to give me some drugs and he left. And then my friend, Robyn, came to pick me up and asked if I needed anything before we went home and I said "meatballs." That was a bad decision, given the fact that I was given some medication that sapped up all my saliva and I couldn't chew anything.

I don't remember doing anything funny after my endoscopy, but I do remember that I craved Red Robin something terrible.

So, I just got a call from the hospital and I am going in for my kidney stone surgery right now. I'm wondering what funny things I'm going to do and say after I come to from the anasthesia. I'm sure I'll tell you all about it, so stay tuned. And keep me in your prayers. And keep Rob's mom in your prayer's too. She's sick and in the hospital, too.

Bad Luck Chuck

Last night I was chillin' out at the ER (that's just what I do these days), and I saw the funniest/saddest thing happen. A woman came in and she looked really bad. If I were to make a diagnosis, I'd say she had a kidney stone. But I'm not a doctor, so I can't say for sure. All I can say is that she looked bad. After she went to the triage nurse, she was brought into a room that had a gurney and some other medical equipment. The room was a straight shot from where I was sitting in the waiting room, so I could see right in. She was on the gurney, and her husband was standing in the doorway. All of a sudden, he goes straight down, like a domino. He did a belly flop/face plant with the linoleum and it sounded really bad. All of these people come running in and I can hear them saying things like "you're at the hospital," "you're going to need stitches."

Apparently, as the nurse was starting an IV on his wife, he saw blood and just passed out right there and broke his nose and busted open his forehead in the process. That's the sad part. The funny part is that he had to be brought back the the ER on the gurney his wife was laying on, and she had to walk herself back. That's also the sad part.

If you're ever bored, head on down to the ER. There's a reason that "ER" was on the air for 100 seasons.

Going Private

My blog is going private. Please leave a comment with your e-mail by the end of the week if you'd like to be invited. Comment moderation is on, so no one else will see your e-mail.

This, too, shall pass

Remember that one time when I went to the doctor with excruciating pain in my side and it was diagnosed as a misplaced rib? Yeah, me too. I need to apologize to the crazy chripractor for thinking he was a quack because my pain wasn't going away.

Last night, I was watching Hoarders and folding laundry when the same pain I had last month came back. This time, it came on more quickly and with a vengeance. I couldn't tell if I was going to throw up, had busted an organ or just had gas. Honestly, it was the worst pain I'd ever had in my life and after about an hour of dealing with it I decided I needed to go to the ER. My one fear was that it would be gas and I'd never live it down for going to the ER for bad gas, but the amount of pain convinced me that I just didn't care at that point and that I needed drugs and I needed them ASAP. It's a good thing that Rob knows how to drive fast and that the ER is just down the street because I just couldn't take it anymore.

Of course, we get to the ER and the lady at the check-in desk tells us it will be "just a minute" before someone can see me, and maybe it really was "just a minute" but it seemed like an eternity. Because of the instantaneous and strong urges I was getting that I was going to lose the contents of my bladder, bowels and stomach right on the spot I practically bowled over some people looking at the fish tank in order to get to the bathroom. And of course, it was locked when I got there. Don't tell anyone, but I said "dammit" out loud. I was saying that and a lot of other words under my breath... don't tell anyone about that, either. Rob came to my rescue and watched the men's room while I was in there not losing the contents of anything. That was what really wierded me out. I felt all of these things, but nothing was happening.

Finally, the triage nurse called me back and triaged me. I think breathing shallowly and grimacing really helped her decide that I would be next to go back to the ER. It also could have been the fact that my pulse was 103 and my blood pressure was like 154/98. Because I was really making a scene, they let me lay down in a room off of the waiting room. Again, I feel that making a scene really helped get me back faster. Except I wasn't trying to be obnoxious. I started bawling because the pain was just so intense and it was spreading and then I started barfing up everything. I seriously felt it in my toes. Apparently the barfing was the clincher for getting me back to the ER right away because a nurse came back and asked me if I'd ever had kidney stones before. Kidney stones were the farthest thing from my mind because I thought my kidneys were in the back and my pain was in the front, but I decided to just go with it if it would get me some meds quicker.

Going back to the ER brought the same comments from the doctor and nurse back there. They just needed to draw some blood, get a urine sample, and do a CT scan to diagnose it for sure. Easy breezy, right? Wrong. I couldn't pee, I was so dehydrated that the nurse couldn't find a vein and I haven't exactly been diligent at taking my birth control pills at the same time every day so a CT scan was out of the question until I could produce a negative pregnancy test. Hard to do without pee or blood. Finally, the nurse found a vein, but couldn't get any blood from it so they hooked me up to an IV of saline to try and hydrate me so that they could draw blood. That process took like 2 1/2 hours. Once my results came back, they wheeled me down to CT scan and let me tell you, that's a little scary. It's loud and there are radioactive warnings everywhere and a note that says "don't look directly into the light." I just kept my eyes shut and waited for it to be over.

After what seemed like an eternity, the nurse came to the room and said "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you have a huge kidney stone. It's 6mm, which is really big as far as kidney stones go." Then the doctor came back and confirmed it and said I would most likely need surgery in the next few days. I was like "um, no." Thankfully, the nurse came back in and said that the stone was in my left ureter and was only about 1/2 inch away from dropping into the bladder and that once that happened it should pass pretty quickly. Her advice was to wait about 5 days and see if it passes on its own. If not, call the doctor and see if surgery is needed. I'm really hoping it passes on its own.

In the mean time, I've been given a prescription for Percocet, which, let me tell ya, knocks my socks off. The nurse told me to not try and be a martyr about the pain, but I hate that buzzed feeling. I hate pain even more, so Imight be buzzed for a while until this thing passes. I've heard it said that the pain from kidney stones in comparable to child birth and now I believe it. My decision is made - I will be getting epidurals for childbirth.

So, sorry, Dr. Harris. Maybe you're not a quack since you couldn't cure my rib pain, but I still think you're wierd.

How 1st Graders Trash Talk

Me: Tyler, are you excited for me and Uncle Rob to come visit next week?

Tyler: I'm excited to play Wii with Uncle Rob.

Me: Do you think you're going to win?

Tyler: I think I just might. Is Rob gonna go home and cry when I beat him?

Me: I think he just might.

Maybe Curiosity WILL Kill the Cat

Today I had to go to the bathroom and the cat followed me in. That's not an unusual thing... she really likes the bathroom for some reason. So I'm doing my thing and I hear the cat rustling in the trash can. She somehow pulled out a tampon wrapper and managed to eat the whole thing in about 2.3 seconds flat. I just hope it doesn't get stuck on it's way out.

The Pack is Back!

One week from tomorrow, Rob and I will be kickin' it at the Magic Kingdom. I'm a little bummed that Space Mountain and Haunted Mansion will be closed for "Holiday Install," whatever that means, but I'm still really excited to spend 3 days at The Happiest Place on Earth with my honey for our anniversary.

While I was running my shopping errands today, I remembered that there were a few things I wanted to get that I thought would help me be a little happier and more comfy during my time in the park. You see, once my feet start hurting it's all over. And my feet usually start hurting, so Rob and I talked about getting some better shoes. I was seriously thinking about getting some Dr. Scholl's. Seriously. However, I tried them on and there was some uncomfortable heel rubbing. I won't be getting the Scholl's. And then I was thinking about which purse I would bring. It would need to be one I could sling across my body, and big enough to hold anything I might need during my time in the park. I have one that will suffice, but honestly, purses just get in the way. And that's when I thought about a Fanny Pack. Not that I'm ever going to get one because I'm not old enough to rock the pack with dignity, and not young enough to be ironic. I would just be a weirdo 30-something wearing a Fanny Pack at Disneyland. That is neither dignified nor ironic.

At what age is The Pack acceptable? My Grams rocked The Pack for a good 20 years and she especially looked good when she wore it to Costco with her puffy painted sweatshirts that said "#1 Grandma." And I'm not trying to be funny. That's just who my grandma was. If she didn't have either a Fanny Pack or something with puffy paints, it just wasn't her. If it weren't terribly disrespectful, I would have buried her with her fanny pack. Just sayin'.

I guess it's settled that I'll never be able to use a Fanny Pack. And I'm OK with that.

Gross Stuff That People Admit to Doing

I was watching Kathy Lee and Hoda on the Today Show yesterday and they were talking about a poll done by Glamour Magazine about gross things that people admit to doing. One of the things was re-wearing dirty underwear. I don't remember the exact figure, but it was something like 37% of people polled admitted to wearing their underwear twice. OK, that is gross. My momma raised me to change my underwear every single day. Some of the other things aren't so gross, but Kathy Lee and Hoda seemed to be having a coronary over some of them.

1) Some people admitted that they don't shower every single day. Kathy Lee looked like she was about to lose her lunch, and I was thinking to myself, that's not gross. I know a lot of people who don't shower every single day and I don't think they smell or have bad hygiene. I've been known to skip my shower if I'm in a hurry and I don't smell.

2) Wearing clothing 2-3 times before washing. Again, Kathy Lee was mortified. I probably shouldn't tell Kathy Lee that I wear my jeans at least 2-3 times before washing. Unless they get really dirty, I just don't think jeans need to be washed every single time. I also wear things like sweaters more than once.

3) 70% of women said that they wear their bras for more than a week before washing. Hoda said she only owns 3-4 bras, so she could understand that one. Kathy Lee moved her chair over a few inches.

So, I've set up a few polls to the side to see what my readers do and think. I've done it as a poll so you can remain anonymous, but feel free to leave comments.

What is it with me and weirdos?

I must have a magnet that attracts strange people, because let me tell you, I run into a lot of them.

A few weeks ago, I started feeling this excruciating pain in my left side. Honestly, I thought my liver was busted. It was that bad. I drove to the InstaCare only to be told that our insurance wasn't accepted there, so I could either go next door to the emergency room or drive across town to a different urgent care. Always conscious of how much things cost, I opted for the urgent care on the other side of town even though I was in a lot of pain. On my way to the urgent care, I called my regular doctor and they said if I could get there in 20 minutes that the doctor could see me. I drove to his office, but by the time I got there, the pain was gone. It figures. Anyway, the doctor was pressing on my side and decided that my pain was being caused by a rib that was out of place. Probably from when I tripped and fell a few weeks before that. He suggested going to a chiropractor to get things aligned again.

I called Rob and he said that he had some pre-paid visits with a chiropractor that he goes to, so I decided to go there. Everything was normal with this chiropractor visit until he told me to turn around and he placed both hands on the back of my head and started rubbing/shimmying them down the back of my head and neck. He did this several times and then told me that my body had told him that my hip needed to be aligned, as well as my ribs and my back. When he said that my body had told him what was wrong, I said "how did my body tell you that?" So he starts explaining to me that his mind is asking my body a series of yes and no questions and depending on the answer, his left hand will drop because my left leg will drop if the answer is yes. Does anyone else think that's weird, or is it just me? I feel violated that his mind asked my body questions.

Some letters look alike

I was making sugar cookies last night and I accidentally put 4 TABLESPOONS of vanilla in the batter instead if 4 TEASPOONS. I thought it would be tragic, but it turned out OK. I guess I need to re-write my recipes to make the little ts and the big Ts look more distinct from each other.

The Fungus Among Us

Rob and I have a way exciting life. After a rousing evening of DVRd America's Got Talent, we caught an episode of Modern Marvels all about mold and fungus. It's everywhere. We have it in our toilet and shower even though I clean them regularly. And what do I use to clean the mold? Bleach. Modern Marvels says that bleach doesn't kill mold, it just cleans the surface. The only real way to get rid of mold is to take away the moisture that it feeds off of. I don't really see how that's possible in a shower or toilet. So, thank you Modern Marvels for not giving me any solutions. I'm going to stick to my bleach.

P.S. That's not my shower.

The Stinking Rose

There is a restaurant in LA called The Stinking Rose and I remember looking at that sign and thinking that I would never eat at a restaurant that had the word "stinking" in it. And then I found out that "stinking rose" was just another term for garlic. I'm down with garlic, so maybe I'll eat there one day.

So yesterday I was frying up some bacon for a salad to bring to the ward activity and as I poured the grease into the "fat can" the most horrific smell started coming from that general area. I was guessing that the fat was rancid and made a mental note to chuck it outside once it cooled down. And then my nose got clogged up and I forgot to take it out until later that night. And let me tell you, it was really stinky. I can't believe that I didn't smell it even through my stuffy nose. I took that can out and was thinking that finally that smelly smell was gone. But then I opened the refrigerator this morning and was thrown to the ground by the strongest onion smell I've ever encountered. Not only were my eyes watering, but I started sweating at just that smell.

I took that onion and tossed it into a Ziploc bag and threw it in the garbage because I wasn't exactly dressed enough to take it outside. Once I had that smell contained, I was still smelling something else that was nasty in the oven/fridge vacinity. Turns out that it was a Stinking Rose in the garlic keeper. Let me tell you... if you think garlic stinks in general, put it in a garlic keeper for a few months and let it be and you'll smell a smell like you've never smelled before.

The crazy thing is that it's not the first time I've forgotten about the garlic. When will I ever learn?

Child-Proofing

This little bug taught me that a wooden spoon through the cupoards isn't an effective means of child-proofing my house. I have a lot of work to do before we have kids... or before she comes to visit me again.

Seen on the Street

Something tells me this guy doesn't care for Obama's healthcare plans, either. What do you think? Please don't turn me in.

Where's My Camera?

The other day I was telling my friends Heidi and Robyn that I had nothing to blog about lately because I've seen some interesting things but I never have my camera with me, so why blog about it if there's no picture. Then I started telling Heidi about something I saw in our neighborhood and she said that the story could stand on it's own without a picture.

I was driving down the street and in the distance I could see a person holding a giant Mountain Dew in the air. I was intrigued. I mean, wouldn't you be intrigued? As I got closer, I could tell that the person was stopped dead in their tracks, Mountain Dew in the air, the other hand raised in the air with the fingers in the "horns/rock on" sign, totally rockin' out to whatever he/she was listening to. I then got closer and saw that it was a woman roughly my mom's age (in her mid-fifties). She also had a buzz cut and was wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. Classic. You can't make that stuff up. And then I saw her again later that day, still with Mountain Dew, minus the rocking out.

My first thought was that she was drunk, but maybe she just doesn't care what people think. Although I still think Mountain Dew has mind-altering ingredients, I really think it was the latter. She just doesn't care what anyone thinks about her. I used to spend a lot of time worrying about what other people thought about me until one day in the late 90s my dad said to me, "it's really conceited of you to think that other people use up that much of their time and energy thinking about you." That really got to me because it was a little harsh, but, let's face it, totally true.

When I drove by the Mountain Dew lady who was rocking out on the roadside, the only thought I had was that she made my day with her individualism. And that was it. So, thanks, Mountain Dew lady, and thanks Dad, for reminding me not to care so much about what other people think.

Adjustment Period

I don't have anything interesting to blog about these days. Just not too much going on. I'm trying to learn how to adjust from working 8 hours 5 days a week, to not working at all. Honestly, that's the hardest part about having been laid off. I don't worry about money and whether or not we'll be able to pay our bills, but I worry about what on earth I'm going to do that day that doesn't involve shopping. So far, I've done some catching up on housework and teaching myself how to can fruits and vegetables, but other than that I'm running out of stuff to do. My parents are coming to visit this week, so I'll have something to do for a week, but what after that?

Although I've been bored beyond belief, losing my job has actually been a blessing in disguise. It has motivated me to go back to school - something I've been wanting to do for 10 years, but haven't been able to because I needed to work. I missed the deadline to go to BYU during the Fall semester, but I'll be there in January. I'm looking forward to that, but need something to do in the mean time. Part time job? Working at the temple? Selling stuff on Craig's List? I just don't know, but I do know that this is the first time in a long time that I've had options... and I like that.

Say Hello to My Little Friend

My nephew, Tyler, thinks he's Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier. I wonder if he knows it's only a pellet gun? I also wonder if he knows what the hoodie does for his bear huntin', squirrel shootin' image?

How to ID Covert Cop Cars

I like to keep the peeps informed. Here's a sweet article on how to spot covert cop cars on the highway. Enjoy!

For Cheryl

Cheryl said she wanted to know what my thoughts on Michael Jackson are. Well, first of all, I think it's sad that he died at such a young age. Having said that, I'll unleash the dogs.

Do I think MJ is a great performer? Absolutely. Do I start singing and dancing when I hear his music? Sha-mon! Did I try to learn the Thriller Dance? Atcha-ooh! But that's about as far as my admiration of Michael Jackson extends. I don't know what influences made him the way he is, but if what I've been hearin' all these years is true, he's a little on the sketchy side. There's usually some truth to every rumor.

I simply don't think he deserves the demigod status that has been bestowed upon him. And other than Lionel Richie's performance at his funeral, I couldn't stomach half of what was said. It's sad that the little children that he calls his own lost a father figure, but let's be honest, where and who are their real parents?

And I think it's deplorable that the City of Los Angeles is expected to foot the multi-million dollar bill for security at his funeral. California can't pay for their obligations as it is, expecting people like my mom to work 1 un-paid day every week so that it can lower its debt. Horrific!

So there you go, Cheryl. That's what I think of Michael Jackson.

Do you remember the time when...

I don't really have anything to blog about right now that's not controversial and wouldn't get me some nasty comments from readers, so I thought I'd blog about an experience I had about 8 1/2 years ago on a dark and stormy night. I was thinking about it today after I saw this really old dude haulin' you-know-what down University Ave.

Once upon a time I was a nanny for a family that lived in Pleasant Grove. I was going to school at BYU at the time, and even though school was out for Christmas break, I was still stuck in town because I needed to work until Dec. 23rd. At approximately 11:30 pm on Dec. 22nd, I was driving back to my house after an evening of Christmas shopping at the Wal-Mart. There were literally 3 cars on the road at the time and, to be honest, stopping at the lights seemed pretty pointless. But being the law abiding citizen I am, I dutifully stopped at every light. I was sitting at an intersection all by myself when a big Ford sedan pulled up next to me and revved its engine. I looked to my right and next to me was President Bateman, the current president of BYU at the time. He revved the engine again, looked both ways, and then went straight through the red light. Was I just challenged to a drag race through the empty streets of Provo by the president of BYU? I think I was. Did I rise to the challenge? Sorry, but no. I was so shocked that all I could do was sit there with my jaw hanging in disbelief. Now I wish I had accepted because I do love me a good drag race.