Geneva and Kyle's Big Redneck Wedding

I try really hard not to make fun of people, especially from different cultures (Redneck is a different culture), but I just couldn't resist this one. I came home from work last night and flipped on the TV while I was cooking dinner, but I wasn't really paying attention to what was on. If you know me at all, you know that CMT is probably the last channel, except for the channel with nuns praying the Rosary 24/7, that I would ever be caught watching. OK, that's not true. I did watch a few episodes of "Gone Country," but that's just because Marsha from the Brady Bunch and Bobby Brown were on it. Anyway, I heard some hoopin' and hollerin' coming from the television, so I walked over to it to see "My Big Redneck Wedding" on. I was captured immediately because Geneva, the bride, said she was going to WalMart to pick out the bridesmaid outfits. What?!?!? I didn't know that WalMart sold bridesmaid dresses.

OK, so Geneva wasn't buying "dresses" exactly. She and her bridesmaids headed straight to the hunting section to pick out their camo hunting bridal wear. Flourescent orange hoodies for the groomsmen, thank you. What got me is that everyone was like, "girl, that is soooo CUTE" and "this is one bridesmaid outfit I'll be able to wear again." I have no words.

Next, Geneva and Kyle went to the country club to check out where they were going to hold the wedding. And I use the term "country club" very loosely - it was more like some brown grass with holes in it and a clubhouse. Geneva says, "what do you think about doing it at that picnic table under those trees?" Kyle: "Yeah, babe, that would be awesome!" Did I mention that Kyle always has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth?

So into the clubhouse we go. If you've ever been up to that one place at Sundance that BYU owns, but isn't Aspen Grove (can you tell I don't remember the name?), it's kinda like that but not even a fraction as nice. Geneva says, "this will be perfect - we might need to take down some of the beer signs, or maybe we can cover them with quilts." Kyle takes another drag on his ciggy and smiles.

Then we see Geneva telling her parents about the reception and how it's going to be at the clubhouse. Mom: "You think we made of money, girl?" Dad: "Well, you better not be plannin' on havin' any food there." Geneva: "Just some pinto beans and cornbread, that's all, daddy." Dead silence. Crickets. For real... the producers added the nice touch of crickets in the background.

So now we see Kyle making his groom's cake at his mama's house. His best buddy comes in and asks what he's doing and he says "I'm making a $%^&*#@ huge cake, man." I'm so glad the editors bleeped that out for us. His buddy asks him how big and Kyle takes his hand and measures all the way up to his head. Buddy: "How you gonna get that $%^& cake in the oven, man?" Crickets again. Kyle: "Well, I guess I'm gonna have to do it in sections." Yeah, Kyle. Big cakes are usually baked and assembled in what the culinary industry likes to call "layers." So once Kyle and his buddy (who's name might actually be "Buddy") get the layers thing figured out, Buddy says, "man, this is your groom's cake - you've gotta go all out and make it special." Kyle: "Yeah, let's look for something we can spice it up with." I was thinking liquor, but apparently Kyle was thinking candy corns because he threw a whole bag in the batter.

Now the best part comes when Kyle and Buddy start assembling the cake. When I make a cake, I typically put down a layer, then some frosting on top of the layer, and layer all the way up and then frost the entire cake. Not Kyle. He frosted each layer individually before he put it on the next. He was making this really complicated, and the results weren't quite what he expected. Buddy: "It looks like a pile of #$%^, man!" Kyle: "Yeah, Buddy. Let's shoot it!" So Kyle takes the cake out to the yard and places it on an upturned washbin and he and Buddy start shooting at it. Kyle: "I guess I'm gonna have to get my groom's cake at WalMart."

Kyle then had his bachelor party, which consisted mostly of shooting, drinking, and then passing out. When Buddy passed out, Kyle grabs a Sharpie and means to write "boob" on his forehead but writes "bood" instead. He says it's so that when Buddy looks in the mirror that it will look the same. Uh huh, it will look the same, but either way you look at it, it still says "bood" and what is that?

Flash to the bachelorette party. I'm not even going to go there because it's disgusting.

And then a lot of stuff happened... mud wrestling, pinto bean throwing, and cornbread chowing. Clarification - that was the wedding, not the bachelorette party. The End.

So what can we learn from this? Whether you're a Redneck or just a regular person, wedding planning can be stressful.

I think I should start writing for TWOP, what do you think?