I'm too sexy for my shoes!

Today has been one of those days where I wish that I could get back in bed, wake up again, and start the day all over. I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and the above pictures prove that I have.

I feel like I've been in a constant rush since the second I got out of bed. Rushing to get ready, rushing to get to my doctor's appointment, and then rushing to work. Once I got to work, rushing to meet a deadline and then rushing to meet my friend Emily at the mall to help her pick out jewelry for her wedding. Apparently, she is having the same kind of day that I am because she couldn't meet me at the time we agreed upon. She asked me to pick some things out for her and drop them off at her house for her to try before she has her bridals taken tomorrow. I rushed through the mall, grabbing anything with pearls and/or rhinestones and had 20 minutes to bring them to her house and get back to work. I was feeling pretty confident as I walked away from her house with 7 minutes to get to work, when BAM!!!, I was spiraling toward the ground. My heel got stuck in a crack but I kept moving, which made for disastrous results. Once I figured out that I was still alive, I started to do a damage check. I could still move everything, my clothes were not ripped, and I still had all of my fingers. My left knee was hurting pretty bad, so I pulled up my pant leg to see a nasty scrape on my knee and one on the front of my ankle. I've had scrapes before, I could handle that. What I couldn't handle was the huge scrape on the toe of my polka-dotted Steve Maddens!

My polka-dotted Steve Madden stilettos with the red heel and strap are by far the sexiest pair of shoes I own! And now they're not so sexy :( And the scraped knee and ankle only add to the un-sexiness. If they were leather, I could take them to the cobbler and have them fixed, but they're satin and I don't think Joe's Shoe Repair has a polka-dotted patch. Boo hoo! I'm so sad!

It's not like I don't have the reputation of being clumsy. If there's a patch of ice, I slip on it. If there's a step, I miss it. And now if there's a crack, I get stuck in it. When I was younger, my dad used to call me "oaf" because I was so clumsy. I guess it is apropos that my license plate says "0AF."

And to add insult to injury, Emily's dog came running out of the house when I fell and started barking and licking me. Too bad there's not a rewind button on life.

Note: I took these pictures with my camera phone from a weird angle so it looks like I have cankles, but I really don't.

¡Mi estómago!

There's this new guy at the office, we'll call him Bill. He doesn't say much... actually he doesn't say anything. At least I haven't heard any words come out of his mouth. What I do hear is the pop and hiss of him opening cans of Diet Coke. Five cans of DC every day, to be exact. Just thinking about it gives me acid reflux. I want to tell him about my friend's sister who died from an ulcer caused by Diet Coke... For shiz! It ate a hole right through her stomach and caused internal bleeding, which somehow caused toxemia. After hearing that story, I've sworn off Diet Coke FOR-EV-ER. I want to tell Bill this story, because even though I do not know him, I don't want to see another life lost to the tragic side effects of Diet Coke. I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

"Hey Bill, you don't know me, but I sit 2 cubes down from you. I noticed you drink a lot of Diet Coke. I'd like to tell you a story about how my friend's sister had a bad Diet Coke addiction and she died from it because it ate a hole right through her stomach. Do you want to die, Bill? No, I didn't think so. Help me help you, Bill. Put down the can and step away from the Diet Coke."

Or maybe I should have Aaron talk to Bill about it. Aaron has a way of talking about things you wish he'd never bring up again.

A little birdy told me...

So I got swooped by an angry sparrow, or maybe it was a house finch, this morning and when I came home for lunch. I think it has made a nest in my hanging plant. How can I humanely remove it? Do I need to replace it somewhere close or can I just take it to the woods? I really don't want to get swooped again - it was traumatic, like the time I got attacked by seagulls in junior high.

I'm a woman, W-O-M-A-N!

If you're a man, you might want to stop reading right now. I may cross the border of providing TMI... but I will be tasteful about it.

As I lay in my bed last night with my heating pad, waiting for the Advil to kick in, I started to grumble about being so uncomfortable. It was pretty bad. I often wonder if all of the pain is necessary.

Yesterday in my Sunday school class, it somehow came up that the kids don't understand that the Atonement covers more than just sin and transgression. I explained to them that through the Fall, Adam and Eve became mortal - which meant that not only would they die someday, but that their bodies would be subject to all sorts of mortal stuff: pain, sickness, temptations, etc. I then explained to them that the Atonement covered everything that comes with being mortal. I don't know if they got it, and I'm getting a little off-track, but I do sort of have a point here. While Sis. Chase was going on with her lesson, I turned to Moses to find the scriptural reference for what I was trying to explain. I didn't find exactly what I wanted, but I did find this: "Unto the woman, I, the Lord God, said: I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception. In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children..." (Moses 4:22). I didn't think much about it at that point, but during Relief Society and then much later that night, I remembered it.

Our lesson in Relief Society was about callings in the church and how we should neither aspire to or deny a calling. The teacher brought up the Priesthood and how people outside the church are crtitical of the fact that women are not given that responsibility in our church. She asked us what we thought about that and the group gave all of the standard answers - women partake of the Priesthood with their husbands, why would we want the Priesthood when there is so much responsibility that goes along with it, blah blah blah. And then one sister spoke. She said that she was tired of hearing women try to justify why it is OK that they don't have the Priesthood because there's nothing to justify about it. She said that roles are different, and that as a mother of 5 boys under the age of 6, she wouldn't have it any other way. She then started to cry because she said that she knows that people in the neighborhood think she's a bad mom because she lets her boys run wild and play in the street, but that she is so overwhelmed by the huge responsibility she has of raising 5 future priesthood holders that sometimes she just needs a break. I know that I've been one of those people that has knocked on her door with one of her children in tow because I almost hit him with my car, but I felt real empathy for her and knew that I had judged her and her parenting abilities too harshly. And then I remembered what I had read in Moses earlier - her sorrow is greatly multiplied.

Which brings me to my main point... it's all part of the plan. I see my friends who are pregnant, and know of all of the sacrifices they make to bring children into this world. They endure all sorts of pain, nausea, stretch marks, voice changes (who knew?), swelling, etc. My monthly discomfort probably doesn't even pale in comparison, but I guess they're all part of the package. My doctor once offered an option for me where I would only have to endure any discomfort every 3-4 months or so, but I said "no way!" She asked why, and I said, "it serves as a reminder to me as to what my most important work on this earth will be... it keeps me humble." I'm not sure she understood what I meant, but whatever. As I lay in bed last night, I remembered what I read, "I will greatly multiply thy sorrow...."

Yesterday, my dinner guest asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. I answered that I saw myself as a wife and a mother. It sounded cliche and trite at the time, but that's what I want and I know that is what Heavenly Father wants for me. Like Sis. Christensen said, we, as women, don't need to justify our roles as wives and mothers because that's just how it is. And I wouldn't trade my role in this life for anything else. Last night I visited a friend who is expecting and she placed my hand on her stomach so that I could feel the baby kick. When I felt it, it was the most thrilling thing I had ever felt! I can only imagine how thrilling it is for her. Although her sorrow is greatly multiplied, so is her joy.

So I just have to remember... I signed up for this. Although I didn't get to choose whether I would be a woman or a man, I got to choose whether I wanted to come to earth, get a body and partake of life's trials. And I'm loving every minute of it.

Seeing the Everyday

With all of the products I've mentioned on my blog, one might think that it is a forum for advertising... I doubt that enough people read my blog or trust my opinion to buy or do something because they saw it on my blog. However, this post is an all out advertisement and personal endorsement for something that I think is absolutely great!

For those of you who know good ol' Daryl Smith, you probably know that he's been working on a magazine for the past few years that is devoted to celebrating the prosaic (ordinary) moments in life and how those moments shape the lives of children and families as a whole. I know that I had my doubts that people would take to it because it's such an un-sexy idea in a world that is always looking to be titillated and wooed by flashing lights and empty promises, but people really do want something more. I think it is a truly remarkable concept and am proud to announce that it is finally coming to fruition - the first issue has been printed and is on its way to subscribers as we speak.

Seeing takes a look at and celebrates the beauty that can be found in normal, everyday families. It is 111 pages of advertisement-free magnificence. I have a story that is featured in this issue, as well as those of some old friends like Aaron Hunt and Kelly Gardner. All of the stories are inspiring and uplifting and make me want to make sure that everyone can read them. I believe that this is a work that can really be a force for good in the world. There are also some really nice pictures of my hands in this issue. Brad Slade, the photographer, is amazing!

Since the magazine is 100% advertisement free, it depends entirely upon subscriptions to stay afloat. I guarantee it will be the best $20 you'll ever spend, so if you're interested go to http://seeingmagazine.com/ to get a subscription. Mother's Day is coming up, and we all know that moms like beautiful, inspiring things that could possibly make them cry (in a good way). So if you only take my advice on one thing, let it be this.

Jack is Back! (but not that Jack)

Tonight is going to be the best night of television EVER! Both Lost and The Office are on. I know that it sounds like I watch a lot of TV, but I really only watch 3 shows - The Office, Lost, and 24... and occasionally What Not to Wear. With the setback of the writer's strike and Keifer going to jail, 24 hasn't come back on and Stacy and Clinton are kind of bugging so I've scaled way back on WNTW. Oh, I do watch a lot of the Food Channel but I feel like it doesn't count as TV because it's more educational than anything else.

So back to why tonight is going to be the best night of television ever. This is the first time that both shows have been on the same night -talk about killing two birds with one stone! I probably won't be able to sleep tonight because I'll still be laughing at all of the humor from The Office and wracking my brain trying to figure out Lost. And tomorrow will be the best day at work because I'll get to recap the episodes with my co-workers to see if they have any new theories about the island or whether they caught a joke that I missed. I should be able to waste at least an hour (preferably after lunch) doing that.

I figure I can justify my watching television by saying that I don't have any children or pets. If I had either, my entertainment needs would be entirely fulfilled because children and pets are about the most entertaining things in the world. And they keep you busy. If I spent all day with my nephew, I would need no television. He's always up to something, like putting Vaseline in his hair and then rubbing a bunch of dirt in it or cutting the dog's hair. Good times.

So until then, I'll have to substitute TV for children.

****ADDENDUM****

Chit Chatt reminded me that I also watch So You Think You Can Dance. Since it doesn't come back on the air until May 22, I kind of forgot about it. This show is cool because I get to watch and critique people do something that I have absolutely no talent in and act like I know what's up. I also find hip, new music to download onto the iPod from watching this show.

Fashion Statement?

I don't normally do 2 posts in one day, but I couldn't resist talking about this one. I read an article on MSN today about the fashion statement being set by the FLDS women with their prairie dresses and Gibson Girl hair. I once heard that "modest is hottest," but I hardly think this applies. Maybe I should be glad that I didn't cut my hair into a rockin' bob - it might come in handy some day. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24245576/

Backwoods Barbie

Don't ask how I happened to come upon this website - it's a long and not really all that interesting story. Anywho... Some friends and I were having a conversation recently about Dolly and whether or not she's had plastic surgery. My friends asserted that she had and I said that I didn't think she'd had surgery, that she was just naturally plumped in certain places. Seeing this website has changed my mind altogether! Her picture is by far one of the scariest things I've ever seen! Check it out: http://www.dollyon-line.com/. And the scariest thing about it is that I think the picture is really her.

It's Not Easy Being Green

So today is Earth Day... the day we are supposed to celebrate the earth and be into environmentalism. I think I'm pretty eco-friendly: I recycle (please see "Stuff White People Like"), I now buy organic milk, fruits and vegetables, I turn lights off when I'm not in the room, I have the thermostat set to a decent temp, I drive a car that passed its emissions test, I don't burn my garbage, if it's yellow I might let it mellow. Just kidding on the last part. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job of being an eco-responsible citizen. And then I go to MSN's homepage today and see all of the things that I'm not doing right. After reading all of the "green" tips, I feel as if I've not only been terribly remiss in not composting my garbage or taking public transportation, but that my remiss-ness is like unto kidnapping, robbery, or some other terrible felony.

I should not feel guilty for eating meat, using deoderant, and not taking my reusable tote to the devil WalMart with me. I am not going to start using Tom's of Maine vegan toothpaste. The last time I checked, my Crest didn't include animal products. As a side note, I hear that a butter/clay mixture is quite good at removing plaque. I'm not about to try that, either. And don't even get me started on recycled toilet paper or tampons. I'm definitely not going that route! So what's the solution?

It's Not a Tumor!

My dad swears that a good sinus rinsing regimen will cure anything that ails you. I get frequent sinus infections, so I figure that I'm willing to try just about anything to prevent them from coming on. I went down to the WalMart and got myself a squirt bottle and some pre-mixed solution, in anticipation that this would be the panacea for my chronic condition.

Basically, you mix some warm water with a salt/baking soda solution and squirt it up your nose and it comes out of your nose and mouth. The idea behind it is that it rinses out anything that would cause allergies or infections. It sounds weird. And it is. It doesn't hurt, but it's not an altogether pleasant experience.

My dad and my sister always do it when they start to feel a little sick and it makes them feel better immediately. It would work the same for me, right? Wrong!

Everytime I do it, my gag reflex kicks in and I start to gag and make awful noises. I found out recently that my roommate thought I had an eating disorder because she would hear me gagging in the bathroom. I think that's pretty funny. No binging and purging for me.

Aside from the gagging, I don't think it had any affect on my sinus issues. In fact, it made them worse and caused an ear infection from the water forcing into my ears. Lame! What's a sick girl to do?

So hear I am, sitting at home, waiting to not be sick anymore. Being sick stinks. You can only watch so many episodes of Matlock, Full House, and the Cosby Show before you go insane. And don't even get me started on Tony Little - there is an informercial every hour for one of his hair-brained fitness products. I'm sick of being sick. The End.

The Sweet Old Lady on the Bus

I have a lot of guilty pleasures: mani/pedis (I'd rather pay someone to cut my toenails than do it myself), the Backstreet Boys, the movie Juno, and NBC's The Office. The guilty pleasure I wish to focus on for this blog post is NBC's The Office. I personally think that this is one of the best-written, smartest shows ever made. Sometimes it's so smart that I have to watch it 3 or 4 times before I get all of the humor in it. I had to watch last night's episode twice and then had to read the quotes online before I really started to LOL/ROTFL.

Last night's episode, "Chair Model," was especially funny for so many reasons. One of those reasons being that it was about Michael's recent singleness after his breakup with Jan (did anyone else not see that coming?) and starting to get back into the single's scene. This is an awesome quote and I think everyone who is or who has ever been single at some point in their life (and that's everyone) can relate to it.

Michael Scott: "What is it like being single? I like it! I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic, because everyday I get a little more desperate. And desperate situations yield the quickest results."

If you saw the episode last night, you know that Michael asked everyone in the office to give him the name and number of an eligible bachelorette for him to go out with. In the last few months I've had friends come out of the woodwork wanting to set me up with people they know. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. It's kind of exciting but kind of depressing at the same time. I've had some pretty bad line ups in the past - out of all of them, 2 were or had been homeless and 1 was CRAZY. The crazy one also happened to be one of the previously homeless ones. Not a great track record, so I'm always a little leary when someone wants to set me up. Last night's episode hit close to home because I actually have a blind date this weekend. I pre-screened this one to make sure he wasn't homeless or crazy, so no worries there. This is where last night's episode comes in. I'm worried that my date will somehow turn out like this:

Michael Scott: "She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold my bachelorette. I give her 10 for looks and a 3 for her ability to describe herself. Hello milady."

The woman he is looking at is blonde and wearing a white blouse and black/yellow skirt. And then his actual date walks in...

Woman: Michael?

Michael Scott: Eeew.

Woman: Are you Michael Scott?

Michael Scott: Is who Michael what?

Woman: Oh. I'm sorry I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael.

Michael Scott: Oh, that's not, yeah me--

Server: Michael? Michael. Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint.

A little bit later...

Woman: Well I'm gonna head out.

Michael Scott: Oh. Okay. Well, um, I enjoyed this, conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus.

Woman: That's incredibly rude.

Michael Scott: Now you ruined it. [walks out]

Back to full circle... "What's it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic...." Wish me luck!

A little cow in your cup

I got this gem from my friend who teaches English at a CC in Georgia. This is a sample from a timed writing assignment she gave to her class. Although a little rough around the edges, the student has an excellent use of simile and metaphor. She suggests that as you read it, that you read it with Eddie Murphy's voice in mind. It enhances the reading experience incredibly.

"A person ask me, "What is your favorite restaurant? And why?" The best restaurant is Mcdonalds. Simply because they have the best choice of food. From they delicious ham burgers, to they soft crisp cooked fries, to the satisfying milkshakes. The person ask me to explain it to him more. No problem I replied.
I will start off with the hamburgers. The meat is so fluffy is like you are about to bite into a soft made mattress. The buns are cooked into a golden brown like the hay on a barn. Plus it is very Juicy, like the first time you was a kid and had your first sour head. Also they have different ranges of hamburgers to choose from. More options than colors in a crayola box.
Next are the French fries. These are the sidekick for the ham burgers. They are long like the fingers on Shaq hand. Plus they are golden like goldy lox hair. What really gets you is the taste. When you bite into a mcdonald frie its like taken a bite out of heaven. To make it even better they come in sizes! Large, medium, and also small. Isn't that Just great!
Last but not least are the milk shakes. This is the wonder woman of the meal. This makes your order complete. The great Savory taste is really to good to be true. Its like having a little cow in your cup. Plus the flavors are amazing. You can choose from: Vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. Or you can play it smart and miss up with all three. Its your choice!
In conclusion the best restaurant is Mcdonalds because they have the best choice of food. From the mattress like meat patties, to the golden French fries, to the wonder woman milkshakes. Plus a lot of people go. Billions and Billions are served everyday it seem like. Before I could even get done with why I like mcdonalds the same person who ask me now has a double cheese burger meal!"

Just one of so many reasons

Exhibit A of why I'm glad that the LDS Church (to which I belong) no longer practices polygamy. I can't handle the "do" or the uniform.

Last night on the news, the YFZ Ranchers and other supporters of polygamy kept using the phrase "this is a free country... we should be able to do what we want." I wonder how many of them actually want to be polygamists.

The whole "polygamy question" is one that I'm going to put on the shelf, along with "where do dinosaurs fit in" and "who shot JR?"

That girl is missing her belly button

Thanks to the modern miracle of DVR, I was watching Miss USA last night with my friends and I promise you that one of the contestants did not have a belly button! Don't ask me which state she was from or even what color hair she had... all I know is that she was in the top 15 and she didn't have a belly button! Is that even possible? Mark says that some people have their's surgically removed. Why? To me, this is even more puzzling than wondering if Adam and Eve had belly buttons.

Apply directly to the forehead

Does anyone know if this stuff works? I've had a headache "this big" all day and I'm willing to try anything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_SwD7RveNE

I don't know, it might be dumb...

One of my co-workers was just telling me that she was supposed to go to the dollar movie with her friend after work but that she didn't want to go see the movie her friend picked because it was rated R. She asked me for some suggestions, so we pulled up the Movies 8 site and I told her to go see Juno. This was her response, "I don't know, it might be dumb." I wanted to say, "well, I think you're dumb." But I restrained myself and told her it would be the best $1.50 she'd ever spend. I like Juno. It's coming out on DVD next week and I'm going to buy it. The End.

Geneva and Kyle's Big Redneck Wedding

I try really hard not to make fun of people, especially from different cultures (Redneck is a different culture), but I just couldn't resist this one. I came home from work last night and flipped on the TV while I was cooking dinner, but I wasn't really paying attention to what was on. If you know me at all, you know that CMT is probably the last channel, except for the channel with nuns praying the Rosary 24/7, that I would ever be caught watching. OK, that's not true. I did watch a few episodes of "Gone Country," but that's just because Marsha from the Brady Bunch and Bobby Brown were on it. Anyway, I heard some hoopin' and hollerin' coming from the television, so I walked over to it to see "My Big Redneck Wedding" on. I was captured immediately because Geneva, the bride, said she was going to WalMart to pick out the bridesmaid outfits. What?!?!? I didn't know that WalMart sold bridesmaid dresses.

OK, so Geneva wasn't buying "dresses" exactly. She and her bridesmaids headed straight to the hunting section to pick out their camo hunting bridal wear. Flourescent orange hoodies for the groomsmen, thank you. What got me is that everyone was like, "girl, that is soooo CUTE" and "this is one bridesmaid outfit I'll be able to wear again." I have no words.

Next, Geneva and Kyle went to the country club to check out where they were going to hold the wedding. And I use the term "country club" very loosely - it was more like some brown grass with holes in it and a clubhouse. Geneva says, "what do you think about doing it at that picnic table under those trees?" Kyle: "Yeah, babe, that would be awesome!" Did I mention that Kyle always has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth?

So into the clubhouse we go. If you've ever been up to that one place at Sundance that BYU owns, but isn't Aspen Grove (can you tell I don't remember the name?), it's kinda like that but not even a fraction as nice. Geneva says, "this will be perfect - we might need to take down some of the beer signs, or maybe we can cover them with quilts." Kyle takes another drag on his ciggy and smiles.

Then we see Geneva telling her parents about the reception and how it's going to be at the clubhouse. Mom: "You think we made of money, girl?" Dad: "Well, you better not be plannin' on havin' any food there." Geneva: "Just some pinto beans and cornbread, that's all, daddy." Dead silence. Crickets. For real... the producers added the nice touch of crickets in the background.

So now we see Kyle making his groom's cake at his mama's house. His best buddy comes in and asks what he's doing and he says "I'm making a $%^&*#@ huge cake, man." I'm so glad the editors bleeped that out for us. His buddy asks him how big and Kyle takes his hand and measures all the way up to his head. Buddy: "How you gonna get that $%^& cake in the oven, man?" Crickets again. Kyle: "Well, I guess I'm gonna have to do it in sections." Yeah, Kyle. Big cakes are usually baked and assembled in what the culinary industry likes to call "layers." So once Kyle and his buddy (who's name might actually be "Buddy") get the layers thing figured out, Buddy says, "man, this is your groom's cake - you've gotta go all out and make it special." Kyle: "Yeah, let's look for something we can spice it up with." I was thinking liquor, but apparently Kyle was thinking candy corns because he threw a whole bag in the batter.

Now the best part comes when Kyle and Buddy start assembling the cake. When I make a cake, I typically put down a layer, then some frosting on top of the layer, and layer all the way up and then frost the entire cake. Not Kyle. He frosted each layer individually before he put it on the next. He was making this really complicated, and the results weren't quite what he expected. Buddy: "It looks like a pile of #$%^, man!" Kyle: "Yeah, Buddy. Let's shoot it!" So Kyle takes the cake out to the yard and places it on an upturned washbin and he and Buddy start shooting at it. Kyle: "I guess I'm gonna have to get my groom's cake at WalMart."

Kyle then had his bachelor party, which consisted mostly of shooting, drinking, and then passing out. When Buddy passed out, Kyle grabs a Sharpie and means to write "boob" on his forehead but writes "bood" instead. He says it's so that when Buddy looks in the mirror that it will look the same. Uh huh, it will look the same, but either way you look at it, it still says "bood" and what is that?

Flash to the bachelorette party. I'm not even going to go there because it's disgusting.

And then a lot of stuff happened... mud wrestling, pinto bean throwing, and cornbread chowing. Clarification - that was the wedding, not the bachelorette party. The End.

So what can we learn from this? Whether you're a Redneck or just a regular person, wedding planning can be stressful.

I think I should start writing for TWOP, what do you think?

The Precious

When I went to Germany a couple of summers ago I found the BEST chocolate in the world. Granted, I haven't had chocolate from every country, but out of all of the chocolate I've had this is the best! While I was there, I bought about 50 bars of Rittersport for my friends and family and the rest to ration for myself since I didn't know if I'd be going back to Germany any time soon.

I was all excited to send the chocolate and gummy bears from Germany, along with some Penguins and Digestives from the UK, to my family in Los Angeles. My dad called me to thank me for the goodies and said, "Are the chocolate and gummy bears supposed to be special?"

"Um, yeah, dad. They're from Germany."

"Well, they sell them at Ralph's"

"No they don't. These treats are unique to Germany so you better cherish them because you may never be able to get any ever again!"

"OK. Whatever."

My dad was just messing with me, like he always does, so I ignored him and put my precious Rittersport in the freezer for safe-keeping. I've been rationing it for almost 2 years, and I still have 1 bar of Alpenmilch stowed way in the back where no one can find it.

So, to prove my dad wrong, every time I go to Ralph's I look for the gummies and the Rittersport and have never been able to find either. Ha! I've been vindicated!

During my visit a few weeks ago, my nephew started throwing a fit because there was no more flatbread left and he wanted to make a flatbread pizza for dinner (he informed me that flatbread is kinda his new thing because you can make sandwiches, pizza, quesadillas, and all sorts of stuff with it). My dad gave me $5 and the keys to the car and sent me off to Trader Joe's for some flatbread. While I was in line at the Traders, I saw this guy from my parent's church who gives me the creeps so I ducked behind a shelf so he wouldn't see me. While I was hiding, I saw a whole display of... Rittersport and gummies! I waited for Brother McCreepy to leave the store, then grabbed as many bars as I could hold and checked out.

I didn't want my dad to know that he was partially right about my precious Rittersport being available in the U.S., so I tried to hide the bag when I walked in the house. Somehow, he always knows when you're trying to hide something so he asked me what was in the bag.

"Nothing. Just some nuts and stuff from Traders."

"What else?"

"Some chocolate."

"Can't you buy chocolate in Utah?"

"Yeah, but not this kind."

"And what kind would that be?"

"Um, ribberport."

"I may have heard you wrong, but did you say Rittersport? Ha! I told you they sold that stuff here in the U.S."

"Yeah, but you said it was at Ralph's and it's actually at Trader Joe's."

"Whatever, I was right about half of it."

This is just another example of how my dad is always right! Darn him and his rightness! Well, at least I don't have to ration my Rittersport anymore.

I probably should have looked into it...

Many of you know that last November I finally ditched my 1989 Honda Accord, lovingly called "The Green Goddess," for a slightly used 2004 Hyundai Sonata. I got an awesome deal on it! Now I'm beginning to wonder why I didn't check some things out before I bought it. Don't get me wrong, it runs great and it looks really spiffy. For all intents and purposes, it has been a great car for me.

Right after I picked Uncle Jessie up from the dealership (I named him after "Full House" Uncle Jessie and not "Dukes of Hazzard" Uncle Jesse), I grabbed my friends Robyn and Mark and we went for the inaugural trip to Sonic for some blue coconut cream slushes. We pull up to the ordering console and Mark says from the backseat, "Um, is this your spoon?" Spoon, I've only owned the car for 20 minutes... not long enough for a spoon collection to start. While he was digging around in the pockets in the back seat he found the dirty spoon, some hair scrunchies, and a lot of crumbs. How did I not see that? I checked Uncle Jessie out about 5 times before I decided to buy him and I never found the spoon and hair scrunchies. Mark threw the contraband away and I didn't think another thing about it until I gave Uncle Jessie his first bath. I was vacuuming under the seat and saw a whole bunch of animal hair lurking beneath the driver's side. Gag me with a spoon!!! I don't have anything against animals, but I do have a thing against animal hair on my person or on my possessions. I was able to get most of it out, but every now and then I find some stragglers.

I took Uncle Jessie to the car wash and had all of his nooks and crannies cleaned and haven't found anything strange in him lately until this morning. I was driving to work and, in my peripheral vision, saw something waving from the dash. I looked over and saw that it was a hair so I grabbed it. Finding hair on my clothes, in my car, or on anything I've touched isn't uncommon since I shed like crazy, but as I reached over to grab this hair off of the dash I realized it wasn't mine and had a minor freak-out on Center Street. How do I know it wasn't mine? Well for starters, it was 3 feet long, curly, and copper red! I don't know anyone who has hair that matches that description, so the freak out continued until I rolled down the window and threw it into oncoming traffic.

I guess the only thing to do is disinfect Uncle Jessie with some Clorox wipes, give him another detailed vacuuming, and hope for the best. I still love him.

I like to collect crazy pictures. Some I find online, others I snap with my trusty camera phone while I'm a woman about town. The picture to your left is of a lady with the worst haircut I have ever seen. It was originally posted on the cover of a magazine, with a Tron-like, space, satellite background. If you'd like to see the original, check it out here: http://www.military-information-technology.com/

This second picture is one I took myself... on Temple Square in SLC. I don't remember why I was there, but I saw these ladies walk by in their old-fashioned wear like it was totally normal. They were drawing crowds and people were asking them what they were. Eventually, a nice man in a suit with an earpiece asked them to leave because they were disrupting the peace that can be found on Temple Square.

This is probably the most awesome haircut I have ever seen in my life. I was at Wal-Mart one day and this kid was standing in the line next to me. I couldn't resist taking his picture because I needed someone else to see the proof that I actually saw it! I had just enough time to snap this one before the kid's dad, who was sporting an equally fierce "do" saw me and threatened to rip the camera phone from my hands.

You might not be able to see this one, but it is a picture of a Prius with a license plate that says "NOGAS." Appropriate enough for a Prius, I suppose, but you had to see the driver to understand why this was so funny. He was totally smoking a cigarette, blowing out the window and polluting the environment with second-hand smoke. He was also eating sunflower seeds and spitting them onto the pavement outside his window. I think both of those combined pretty much negated the environment saving effects of driving a Prius. Oh yeah, he also had a molester stache and was wearing a wifebeater.

This is my personal favorite... the White Trash Christmas House in Southwest Provo. Every year I go to see how many new blow-ups and how many more lights they've put up since the last year. If you think this is glorious, you should see the inside of the house. Every square inch, except for a 1 foot wide path through the house, is covered in Christmas. To reward you for making it through without tripping or breaking anything, they give you a ham sandwich and a piece of cake.

Although I can't take credit for this picture, I think it's pretty hilarious. All I can say is "glad you cleared that up."